Family Wellness Program

What are Boundaries? 

​

Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves. 

​

Are boundaries enforceable? 

​

It is easy to confuse boundaries from ultimatums or requests.  A boundary is an “I” message.  It keeps the responsibility for thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in the speaker.  Boundaries are enforceable because the person saying the boundary is the person enforcing the boundary.  Boundaries refer to your behavior, not to the behavior of another. 

​

How do I get my loved ones to change their behaviors? 

​

All behavior is logical.  Change what makes it logical and you will have changed the behavior.  When you follow through on your boundaries you have changed the part of the sequence of behavior that made the loved one’s behavior logical. 

​

What if my boundary is about my partner’s behavior? 

​

We cannot dictate behavior for another person.  We can only dictate our behavior for ourselves and our well-being.  A boundary is a statement about self-care.  An ultimatum is a power struggle.  “I am not willing to,” versus “You can’t.”  You can only control your own behaviors. 

The outcome of a request or an ultimatum lies in the hands of the listener.  A request is a gentle statement for another to comply with the wishes of the speaker.  An ultimatum is an expression of power that asks for change by saying, “do it my way or else.”  Ultimatums blame or hold others responsible, and are often worded “If you X, I will Y.”  Neither requests nor ultimatums provide the same function as boundaries.  Others may or may not engage in behaviors that support your boundary.  Boundaries are personal self-care and are always in your hands to enact or not to enact. 

If you are thinking, “my boundary is that my loved one can’t speak disrespectfully to me,” you are confusing boundaries with requests and ultimatums.  Your boundary is that you don’t want to be in a position where you are spoken to disrespectfully, and for your well-being you will remove yourself from situations where you are subject to being spoken to disrespectfully.   The speaker will decide to continue speaking disrespectfully or will decide that she/he would rather have you nearby and may change how they speak to you.  Either way, it is your decision to stay while they are speaking to you appropriately and leave when you hear yourself being disrespected. 

​

How can I practice setting and following through with boundaries? 

​

Use the Coping Ahead exercise anytime you are deciding what behaviors you need to use to skillfully navigate a situation in a way that keeps you safe:  1. Imagine yourself in a situation that is likely to happen that is upsetting to you, 2. Decide how you would like to see yourself navigating that situation that fulfills your outcome goal and effectively takes care of you, 3. Mentally rehearse using that skillful behavior. 

​

Do I tell my loved one what my boundary is? 

​

“Boundaries are like a pair of pants; it only shows when you’re not wearing any.”  Since the boundary is for you to follow through with, and not your loved one, think about why you would need to make a statement.  If you are making a statement so that their behavior changes, be honest with yourself: are you making a request or an ultimatum rather than setting a boundary?   

For example,  

“I do not want to be near Oreo cookies because I will eat them.  My boundary is that if Oreos are put near me, I will move away.”   

This boundary does not have to be announced unless you want help from your host to not offer you Oreo cookies.   

Now, substitute, “you under the influence” for “near Oreo cookies.”  

“I do not want to be near you under the influence because I will become upset.  My boundary is that if you are under the influence near me, I will move away.”